Valentine’s Day…
For those forging the new territory of a budding
relationship, V-Day is the most exciting of days. The anticipation, the thrill; what do I wear? Will he like it? Will he like me? Flowers! Candy! The
most adorable of the animal kingdom in miniaturized, stuffed form! Can you put
a heart on it? Can it be dyed pink? Maaaarrrket iiiitttt-uh!
But for those of us who are not in the throes of a romantic
relationship, Valentine’s Day has the potential to be THE WORST day possible.
We pretend we don’t care. We acknowledge it’s just like any
other day.
But is it? Is it really?
I think even the biggest cynic, deep down in the cockles of
his heart would rather know that someone loves him. Would rather spend time
with someone special with butterflies in their stomach, the light of the
reflection of someone’s eyes shining in their own.
I attend a fairly well-known Christian undergraduate school
in Chicago, Illinois. I’m slightly above the average age of a normal
undergraduate attendee. I might not look my age. I may not always act my age. …heh
(and may that never be completely true). The oddity of being in this situation
is sometimes emotionally taxing. If I’m attracted to almost any guy on campus I
feel like a cougar. However, in many respects age has become just a number to
me. Age isn't the perfect gauge for maturity. It can be somewhat of a measure of life experience, but not
necessarily. Honestly, some of the guys I've known who are much younger than me
can seem much more mature than some I've known who are older. If I’m perfectly
honest, I’d definitely date/marry someone younger than me, save he is mature in
the Lord, able to lead, and is bold and strong enough that he doesn't care
about an age difference. It takes guts to ask a girl out…it takes even more if
you know she’s older than you.
On that note, would you allow me to make some comments on
some of the trends I notice in Christian dating culture? And honestly, not
really that broadly, but more specifically things I've observed in my own experience
and on the campus of my school. And please…these thoughts are not authoritative…or
final. I’m currently personally working through these thoughts. Philosophies
often morph over time, and as mine are in the current process of mutation, they
probably will not be exactly the same twelve years from now. Furthermore, these
thoughts are not exhaustive. I’m not going to back everything up with three
examples and Scripture references. This is just me processing through some
thoughts, letting you know what I’m going through, hoping you will join me in
considering them as well…
Dating has gotten extremely serious within our culture. One
professor here calls our culture’s version of dating a pre-engagement. All our
lives we've been told to guard our hearts…but how does one do that when you’re handing
it over to one person over a long period of time before engagement? When
couples break up it feels like a divorce. And if you’re in a position that
prevents you from marriage in the near future, you’re committed, but not truly committed. There’s no promise of a
solid future. There’s nothing to prevent you from seeing someone else save the
propriety of appearances and the emotional attachment that’s been developed
over a period of time. I think a girl can feel very insecure during this time.
I've never been on a date. Never. I've never been asked out
on a date. Never. This has definitely been cause for some self-examination and
self-depreciation. Am I not good enough? Am I intimidating? Do I smell?
(kidding) When I lose ten more pounds I’ll be good enough. If I were just
younger. If I were older. If I had done… if… what… how… why…
When I was in middle school and high school I didn't ‘believe’
in dating. Dating is for the preparation of marriage, so what’s the point? Why
enter into a committed relationship with someone if I’m not even ready to marry
them? I still think these thoughts are valid, but honestly, I don’t feel like I
ever truly learned how to engage in genuine friendships with the opposite sex. I
must guard my heart. I must act in a certain way. I must not lead on. I must be
careful. And once I got to school here I was excited for the prospect of
brother-sister friendships and relationships. I was so enthralled with the thought
that I might finally have genuine male/female friendships. However, during my
first year true friendships didn't really happen.
There’s a certain kind of culture at my school that seems to
inhibit healthy guy/girl friendships. There definitely is an exception…there are
pockets of friend groups, but for me and several others I've spoken to it’s
hard to navigate friendships/dating relationships with the opposite sex. I
think a large source of that problem is expectations. There’s a huge joke at my
school that we are a “Bridal Institute” instead of a Bible Institute. But
instead of turning this post into a criticism that might reflect poorly on a
beautiful institute, I’d rather express how I would really love for guys to
interact with me personally.
Treat me as a human being.
…This includes several things
·
Talk to me
You may not be on my “bro-sis” but I
would love to talk with you. Are we standing in line in the SDR? Make pleasant
conversation. Pass by me in the hallway? Say hi! Are we in a class together?
Even better. I know who you are. You know who I am. I will not be impregnated
if you say hello. I will not automatically assume we are destined for marriage
if we study together a few times. I won’t instantly believe you like me if you
ask me how my day is going.
·
Please don’t assume things about me just because
you think I’m nice to look at.
Or I may not be attractive to you… Outward beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway… However, I feel like people
make far too many assumptions towards the opposite sex based on their outward appearance.
I can tell when a guy looks at me and he thinks I look good that day. I can
tell when a guy passes by me and won’t talk to me because of my appearance.
I had an awful week in the city a
couple weeks ago. At my place of work on Saturday I was called ‘honey’ by a man
in his forties multiple times while he asked me to help him find a certain
brand of honey. As we were walking toward another aisle looking for his product
his hand grazed the entire length of my backside (my butt… he felt my butt). I
felt paralyzed and pretended like it didn't happen and passed him off to
another employee. As we parted he again called me honey and waved. Walking down
the street later that week, I was alone and running some errands. It was cold
and I was walking briskly, squinting my eyes against the glare of the sun. As
my eyes adjusted I passed by a man whom I ascertained had been staring at me as
I approached. As he walked closely past me he cried out, “ShaZAM! Hey angel!”
as his gaze boldly ran up and down my body. I felt instantly colder and my arms
wrapped around my torso as I walked home. Later that same day I met a friend
for dinner. We had to part as she was going straight to a job that evening and
I walked home by myself. A beggar asked if I had any change to spare, and as I
had no cash, I looked him in the eyes, said, “I’m sorry sir”, and continued
walking. His reply was “Lady, you’re so fine, you have nothing to be sorry for”.
What does that even mean? My looks are payment enough for you?
The following weekend I was walking
back to the train from church. We had been in the middle of a blizzard and
people were out on the sidewalks shoveling and sweeping. I was passing a man
sweeping a public sidewalk and I nodded with a slight smile, intending to thank
him for his kind effort…I was ‘rewarded’ with a “Hey baby”. I've been cat called before but not quite to
that extent and quite so frequently within one week. Honestly, I went home and
bawled my eyes out on the floor of my dorm room. I cried out to the Father who
loves me completely without fault and asked Him to hold me. I felt so alone and
so unprotected…violated…I felt like these men interacted with me in a way that
assumed they knew me more intimately than they actually did. Their words
paralyzed. Their words tore down. Their words objectified. I cried because I couldn't imagine any guy friend walking with me. I cried because I wanted a man
to come back to who did know me, who
could be righteously angry for me, who would comfort me.
I am more than how I appear, and
especially within the Christian community I long for my brothers to treat me as
a sister and as a friend. I long for relationships with guys that make me feel
protected and cared for as a sister, without pretense or promise of anything
else, emotionally, physically, now or in the future. Just care for me as my own
brother would.
·
Be my friend
I have a personality. I’m really quirky. I’m timid. I’m bold. I’m
insecure. I’m learning how to be secure in Christ. I love people. I hate
crowds. I love the rush of bouldering through a large crowd with a few people
close to me…I hate being the center of attention. I’m a performance major. I'd rather sing in front of a really large crowd than a small one....I’m
really complicated.
I’m tired of not being friends with guys
because of the unspoken thought that I or you might think one of us likes the
other. I’m tired of not having friendships because I’m obviously not your
future wife, so you might as well not waste your time on me. I’m tired of not
being your friend because you’re intimidated by me…I’m a human being. Please
talk to me. Ask me how I’m doing. Speak seriously with me. I love talking about
what the Lord’s doing. I love talking through things I’m questioning and working
through. I don’t mind (to a certain extent) being transparent, because I know
it builds others up in the glory of Christ. I want to be your friend. I want to
be known. And may I say that friendship happens before there is something more? So be my friend.
·
Be careful with how much you touch me
I really like touch. In fact I begin to get depressed if I haven’t
been consistently hugged in a while. Guys, you communicate A LOT through your
touch, and it can be extremely confusing if you haven’t actually stated
anything with your words. Touch actually releases a bonding hormone in our
bodies, so when used frequently, touch binds two people prematurely and can be detrimental
to their emotional health. Touch is beautiful and God-given and I can’t wait to
touch and be touched when the time is appropriate, but know what is appropriate
and act with dignity and kindness.
·
Use your words
Please be clear with your
intentions. If you like me, tell me. I will never actually know for certain if
a guy likes me unless he actually says something. You can give hints all you
want but I will not know for certain whether you like me to the point that you
are willing to pursue me…and really, you've communicated that you don’t if you aren't willing to say it…unless you say something. Your ability to do this
communicates a lot to me about your ability to lead me. It also communicates to
me that to you I’m worth pursuing, even to the point of your own rejection. If
you express your thoughts to me it communicates to me that you've thoughtfully
considered the implications of what you’re about to say and are secure enough
in who you are in Christ that no matter my answer, you will be stable in your
standing in the Lord.
·
Ask me out on a date
Yeah! Ask me out. Most likely I’ll
say yes. (I still can totally say no, though.) Ask other girls out on a date.
Go on dates with several girls. Let’s help each other learn how to interact
with the opposite sex. You honor us when you see characteristics you appreciate
and express that by getting to know me better. Find out what characteristics
you want in a wife. Don’t be afraid to take a girl out on one date, be up front
with what you like about her even if your intentions are just to get to know
her better. One date doesn't mean marriage. Marriage isn't the ultimate goal
anyways. What?! Yeah. Some of us will go on dates and get married. Some of us
won’t get married. The end goal is Christ. In the meantime, we honor Christ by
the way we honor one another. So cool down, relax a little bit, and have fun
with one another.
·
Pursue the Lord
My brothers, regardless of the
status of our relationship, friend or more than friend, my desire is that you
pursue the Lord. Would you pursue Him more than you pursue a wife? Would you seek
Him with your entire being? Would that you would understand your standing
before Him as His blood bought sons, that your entire being is secure in who He
says you are, in who He defines you to be. This is the foundation of our
friendship. This is the foundation of all that we are – Christ and Him
crucified and resurrected. For Him, through Him and to Him are all things. In
Him we live and move and have our being.
“On
Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All
other ground is sinking sand.
All
other ground is sinking sand.”
Honestly, many of these things are just about practically loving
the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and loving
your neighbor as yourself, doing nothing out of selfishness or conceit, but considering
one another as more important than yourself. Most of these points can be
applied to girls towards men as well. I have heard enough objectification of
guys on our campus to turn my ears red in embarrassment and shame. Girls need
to treat our brothers as human beings as well. We are broken, sinful people. All
our relationships are affected by sin. I understand that we are all still
learning how to treat one another in love. I've made mistakes. I’m learning how
to be friends with guys. We all have various backgrounds, cultures, and
families that have affected the way we interact with one another. I believe
though that the potential heart ache is worth the pursuit of God-honoring
friendships.
