Confessions of a "Single" Girl at Moody

Valentine’s Day…

For those forging the new territory of a budding relationship, V-Day is the most exciting of days. The anticipation, the thrill; what do I wear? Will he like it? Will he like me? Flowers! Candy! The most adorable of the animal kingdom in miniaturized, stuffed form! Can you put a heart on it? Can it be dyed pink? Maaaarrrket iiiitttt-uh!

But for those of us who are not in the throes of a romantic relationship, Valentine’s Day has the potential to be THE WORST day possible.

We pretend we don’t care. We acknowledge it’s just like any other day.

But is it? Is it really?

I think even the biggest cynic, deep down in the cockles of his heart would rather know that someone loves him. Would rather spend time with someone special with butterflies in their stomach, the light of the reflection of someone’s eyes shining in their own.

I attend a fairly well-known Christian undergraduate school in Chicago, Illinois. I’m slightly above the average age of a normal undergraduate attendee. I might not look my age. I may not always act my age. …heh (and may that never be completely true). The oddity of being in this situation is sometimes emotionally taxing. If I’m attracted to almost any guy on campus I feel like a cougar. However, in many respects age has become just a number to me. Age isn't the perfect gauge for maturity. It can be somewhat of a measure of life experience, but not necessarily. Honestly, some of the guys I've known who are much younger than me can seem much more mature than some I've known who are older. If I’m perfectly honest, I’d definitely date/marry someone younger than me, save he is mature in the Lord, able to lead, and is bold and strong enough that he doesn't care about an age difference. It takes guts to ask a girl out…it takes even more if you know she’s older than you.

On that note, would you allow me to make some comments on some of the trends I notice in Christian dating culture? And honestly, not really that broadly, but more specifically things I've observed in my own experience and on the campus of my school. And please…these thoughts are not authoritative…or final. I’m currently personally working through these thoughts. Philosophies often morph over time, and as mine are in the current process of mutation, they probably will not be exactly the same twelve years from now. Furthermore, these thoughts are not exhaustive. I’m not going to back everything up with three examples and Scripture references. This is just me processing through some thoughts, letting you know what I’m going through, hoping you will join me in considering them as well…

Dating has gotten extremely serious within our culture. One professor here calls our culture’s version of dating a pre-engagement. All our lives we've been told to guard our hearts…but how does one do that when you’re handing it over to one person over a long period of time before engagement? When couples break up it feels like a divorce. And if you’re in a position that prevents you from marriage in the near future, you’re committed, but not truly committed. There’s no promise of a solid future. There’s nothing to prevent you from seeing someone else save the propriety of appearances and the emotional attachment that’s been developed over a period of time. I think a girl can feel very insecure during this time.

I've never been on a date. Never. I've never been asked out on a date. Never. This has definitely been cause for some self-examination and self-depreciation. Am I not good enough? Am I intimidating? Do I smell? (kidding) When I lose ten more pounds I’ll be good enough. If I were just younger. If I were older. If I had done… if… what… how… why…

When I was in middle school and high school I didn't ‘believe’ in dating. Dating is for the preparation of marriage, so what’s the point? Why enter into a committed relationship with someone if I’m not even ready to marry them? I still think these thoughts are valid, but honestly, I don’t feel like I ever truly learned how to engage in genuine friendships with the opposite sex. I must guard my heart. I must act in a certain way. I must not lead on. I must be careful. And once I got to school here I was excited for the prospect of brother-sister friendships and relationships. I was so enthralled with the thought that I might finally have genuine male/female friendships. However, during my first year true friendships didn't really happen.

There’s a certain kind of culture at my school that seems to inhibit healthy guy/girl friendships. There definitely is an exception…there are pockets of friend groups, but for me and several others I've spoken to it’s hard to navigate friendships/dating relationships with the opposite sex. I think a large source of that problem is expectations. There’s a huge joke at my school that we are a “Bridal Institute” instead of a Bible Institute. But instead of turning this post into a criticism that might reflect poorly on a beautiful institute, I’d rather express how I would really love for guys to interact with me personally.

Treat me as a human being.

              …This includes several things

               

·         Talk to me

You may not be on my “bro-sis” but I would love to talk with you. Are we standing in line in the SDR? Make pleasant conversation. Pass by me in the hallway? Say hi! Are we in a class together? Even better. I know who you are. You know who I am. I will not be impregnated if you say hello. I will not automatically assume we are destined for marriage if we study together a few times. I won’t instantly believe you like me if you ask me how my day is going.

·         Please don’t assume things about me just because you think I’m nice to look at.

Or I may not be attractive to you… Outward beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway… However, I feel like people make far too many assumptions towards the opposite sex based on their outward appearance. I can tell when a guy looks at me and he thinks I look good that day. I can tell when a guy passes by me and won’t talk to me because of my appearance.

I had an awful week in the city a couple weeks ago. At my place of work on Saturday I was called ‘honey’ by a man in his forties multiple times while he asked me to help him find a certain brand of honey. As we were walking toward another aisle looking for his product his hand grazed the entire length of my backside (my butt… he felt my butt). I felt paralyzed and pretended like it didn't happen and passed him off to another employee. As we parted he again called me honey and waved. Walking down the street later that week, I was alone and running some errands. It was cold and I was walking briskly, squinting my eyes against the glare of the sun. As my eyes adjusted I passed by a man whom I ascertained had been staring at me as I approached. As he walked closely past me he cried out, “ShaZAM! Hey angel!” as his gaze boldly ran up and down my body. I felt instantly colder and my arms wrapped around my torso as I walked home. Later that same day I met a friend for dinner. We had to part as she was going straight to a job that evening and I walked home by myself. A beggar asked if I had any change to spare, and as I had no cash, I looked him in the eyes, said, “I’m sorry sir”, and continued walking. His reply was “Lady, you’re so fine, you have nothing to be sorry for”. What does that even mean? My looks are payment enough for you?

The following weekend I was walking back to the train from church. We had been in the middle of a blizzard and people were out on the sidewalks shoveling and sweeping. I was passing a man sweeping a public sidewalk and I nodded with a slight smile, intending to thank him for his kind effort…I was ‘rewarded’ with a “Hey baby”. I've been cat called before but not quite to that extent and quite so frequently within one week. Honestly, I went home and bawled my eyes out on the floor of my dorm room. I cried out to the Father who loves me completely without fault and asked Him to hold me. I felt so alone and so unprotected…violated…I felt like these men interacted with me in a way that assumed they knew me more intimately than they actually did. Their words paralyzed. Their words tore down. Their words objectified. I cried because I couldn't imagine any guy friend walking with me. I cried because I wanted a man to come back to who did know me, who could be righteously angry for me, who would comfort me.

I am more than how I appear, and especially within the Christian community I long for my brothers to treat me as a sister and as a friend. I long for relationships with guys that make me feel protected and cared for as a sister, without pretense or promise of anything else, emotionally, physically, now or in the future. Just care for me as my own brother would.

·         Be my friend

I have a personality. I’m really quirky. I’m timid. I’m bold. I’m insecure. I’m learning how to be secure in Christ. I love people. I hate crowds. I love the rush of bouldering through a large crowd with a few people close to me…I hate being the center of attention. I’m a performance major. I'd rather sing in front of a really large crowd than a small one....I’m really complicated.  

I’m tired of not being friends with guys because of the unspoken thought that I or you might think one of us likes the other. I’m tired of not having friendships because I’m obviously not your future wife, so you might as well not waste your time on me. I’m tired of not being your friend because you’re intimidated by me…I’m a human being. Please talk to me. Ask me how I’m doing. Speak seriously with me. I love talking about what the Lord’s doing. I love talking through things I’m questioning and working through. I don’t mind (to a certain extent) being transparent, because I know it builds others up in the glory of Christ. I want to be your friend. I want to be known. And may I say that friendship happens before there is something more? So be my friend.

·         Be careful with how much you touch me

I really like touch. In fact I begin to get depressed if I haven’t been consistently hugged in a while. Guys, you communicate A LOT through your touch, and it can be extremely confusing if you haven’t actually stated anything with your words. Touch actually releases a bonding hormone in our bodies, so when used frequently, touch binds two people prematurely and can be detrimental to their emotional health. Touch is beautiful and God-given and I can’t wait to touch and be touched when the time is appropriate, but know what is appropriate and act with dignity and kindness.

·         Use your words

Please be clear with your intentions. If you like me, tell me. I will never actually know for certain if a guy likes me unless he actually says something. You can give hints all you want but I will not know for certain whether you like me to the point that you are willing to pursue me…and really, you've communicated that you don’t if you aren't willing to say it…unless you say something. Your ability to do this communicates a lot to me about your ability to lead me. It also communicates to me that to you I’m worth pursuing, even to the point of your own rejection. If you express your thoughts to me it communicates to me that you've thoughtfully considered the implications of what you’re about to say and are secure enough in who you are in Christ that no matter my answer, you will be stable in your standing in the Lord.

·         Ask me out on a date

Yeah! Ask me out. Most likely I’ll say yes. (I still can totally say no, though.) Ask other girls out on a date. Go on dates with several girls. Let’s help each other learn how to interact with the opposite sex. You honor us when you see characteristics you appreciate and express that by getting to know me better. Find out what characteristics you want in a wife. Don’t be afraid to take a girl out on one date, be up front with what you like about her even if your intentions are just to get to know her better. One date doesn't mean marriage. Marriage isn't the ultimate goal anyways. What?! Yeah. Some of us will go on dates and get married. Some of us won’t get married. The end goal is Christ. In the meantime, we honor Christ by the way we honor one another. So cool down, relax a little bit, and have fun with one another.

·         Pursue the Lord

My brothers, regardless of the status of our relationship, friend or more than friend, my desire is that you pursue the Lord. Would you pursue Him more than you pursue a wife? Would you seek Him with your entire being? Would that you would understand your standing before Him as His blood bought sons, that your entire being is secure in who He says you are, in who He defines you to be. This is the foundation of our friendship. This is the foundation of all that we are – Christ and Him crucified and resurrected. For Him, through Him and to Him are all things. In Him we live and move and have our being.

“On Christ the Solid Rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand.

All other ground is sinking sand.”

Honestly, many of these things are just about practically loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and loving your neighbor as yourself, doing nothing out of selfishness or conceit, but considering one another as more important than yourself. Most of these points can be applied to girls towards men as well. I have heard enough objectification of guys on our campus to turn my ears red in embarrassment and shame. Girls need to treat our brothers as human beings as well. We are broken, sinful people. All our relationships are affected by sin. I understand that we are all still learning how to treat one another in love. I've made mistakes. I’m learning how to be friends with guys. We all have various backgrounds, cultures, and families that have affected the way we interact with one another. I believe though that the potential heart ache is worth the pursuit of God-honoring friendships.