I Wait

It has been over two years since I have typed words on this page. And as I gaze at the name I've given this blog, I laugh a little. Disappointed Hope. For I have been disappointed. And my hopes have not been met.

Frustrated.
You haven't answered me.
Wait. Wait is all You'll say.
And there's nothing I'd like to hear less.
Than wait.

Restless.
My leg shakes and the chair vibrates beneath me.
My gaze is on the sun that shines just beyond the crest of the building before it.
Out of reach.
My arms won't reach.

Stuck.
This place feels familiar.
This place where I'm helpless.
Where I do nothing but throw out queries and wait for your supply.
I'm waiting.
God?
I'm waiting.

A year ago I took an intermission from school. The semester before was pretty devastating. My Grandad passed away and it was a long period of expectation...waiting for him to die. That semester was spent with much anxiety and depression. I was far from my family and could not mourn with them. I felt alone. I skipped too many classes on the floor of my dorm room, crying in the corner, uncertain of the reason for my tears. I slept a lot. My sweet roommates were patient with me, checking on me if I was in bed for too long. I was frustrated with my load. I kept saying, Lord, if you would just change this I think I could do this.

Finally it became clear that I needed to go home. The plan was to leave during Christmas break, get a job back home, and come back within a year ready to finish my degree, at this point now half finished. So home I went, where I slept for a very, very long time, and started a job search.

I found nothing.

Too old to be under my parent's insurance I couldn't work just any job, and having just come out of the Starbucks world which exacerbated my anxiety I politely refused to go back to that life...and the Lord provided nothing. I was angry.

Why did you send me home Lord? You said to go home and I followed! You led me, I obeyed, and You're not keeping Your end of the deal. This simply isn't fair.

Well, praise the Lord He didn't give me what I wanted at that time, because I received something better. One day I woke to a text message from my cousin in Spain: "Hey girl, have you found a job yet?". Noooooo...no, I haven't. "Do you want to come to Spain and help me with the kids?" Excuse me, what?!? This led to a whirlwind of preparations, and within a few weeks, I was in gorgeous northwest Spain where I lived for almost three months, helping and...waiting.

While there I skype interviewed for a full-time job back at Moody. A job which had been mentioned to me before I left...why don't you consider this? Thanks, but no thanks, I had replied, I know what the Lord's doing, and I'm going home. (Presumptuous much?) When nothing in Albuquerque worked out, I had applied, wondering what the Lord could have for me.

I began an apartment search from Spain. I had limited time to find a place to live. I flew directly from Spain to Chicago with one week to find an apartment. God was so incredibly merciful in that week. Midway through my parents offered to come help. They drove 24 hours from Albuquerque to Chicago to drive me around looking at apartments. With a day and a half left before my flight to Albuquerque, the Lord provided an apartment in the second building we toured. Second building. Third apartment. Crazy. I signed a lease and everything was approved by the next morning. I had a home. I remember sitting in the back of Mom and Dad's rental car beaming...joy radiating from my heart...the Lord loves me! He provided!

The next couple of weeks were another whirlwind of preparations...packing, painting furniture, sorting through possessions...essentially saying an official goodbye to childhood, major dependency on parents, and hello to a bigger 'big girl job', living completely alone, and independence. It was another opportunity to step out in faith. This was how the Lord was providing for me.

This was an answer to prayer.

I'm nine months in now and this is SO HARD. I'm working full time, commuting, living alone, going to school part time, trying to maintain friendships, fellowship in a church, and stay afloat with schoolwork, etc., and sometimes it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. I feel as if I'm learning how to do something new in every single area of my life. My brain and body are tired.

I recently told someone that the gifts that initially looked like blessings now feel like a curse:

• God provided this job so that I could finish school, but this load is extremely difficult to bear. I can take 6 credits a semester, but I'm currently taking five and preparing for a recital, and let's just say God will get the glory if I am standing on the other side of this semester. 
• Also, if I take a full load of 6 credits a semester I could finish my degree in 3 years. If I can't hack 6 credits a semester and decrease that amount, who knows how long it will take for me to finish. 
• God provided a super cute apartment in record time. But I'm incredibly lonely. Almost a year into living alone I've learned that I desperately need people. Community is essential...and a large contributing factor to community is proximity. 
• As a result of having a full time job and living off campus my circle of friends have changed. I'm no longer around peers 24/7. I'm not around anyone in similar life circumstances. It's pretty isolating. Friendships have changed a lot. I've lost some. I've gained some. They're all just different. 

Are there joys? Of course there are. Is life difficult? Extremely. Is God good? Yes, He is. Does it always feel like it? No, it does not. Even so, is He still? Yes, He is.

I'm working through anger. I'm working through disappointment. I'm working through loneliness. I'm learning to lament. I miss my family. I'm seeking community. I experience rejection. I experience failure. Life isn't what I thought it would be. I push through. I get back up. I am incapable of doing this on my own. The LORD is with me. This story is not over.

I wait.

I wait for His answer.
I wait for Him to fill me.
I wait for His return.
I wait for Him.