Birthday Lamentations

Birthdays are kinda hard for me. I think I'm a bit of an old soul in that sense. I'm only turning 24, right, but what the heck have I done with my life? I think I may ask this question each year I'm on this earth. Gosh, this sounds a bit morbid; I think half my blog posts have been slightly on the sad side, but writing is just one way I work through things...thanks for being willing to take that journey with me.

I've been asking A LOT of questions lately. (Now to pick and choose which ones I'm actually willing to share with you...) Like, when does life begin? And I don't mean at conception or after birth blah blah blah, but when does my life actually begin to go where it's supposed to go? When will it be adventurous, or if I'm really being honest, when will it be what 'I' want it to be? When will I have enough money to be able to travel everywhere around Europe, backpack and go to lovely cafe's, dine in fancy restaurants and play music with renowned or lovely unknown artists? When will I meet that charming, amiable,  handsome and debonair foreign man that will eventually become my husband (who's more in love with Jesus than I am of course and speaks at least two languages and plays music and dresses well and is athletic) --oh man, expectations, dreams, funny-- Or at least that, to my knowledge, non-existent man who will love me selflessly like Christ loves the church...When will HE come along? Is that when my life will begin?

NO!

So, will my life begin when I have pursued a career in music? After I've mastered my voice and piano and eventually violin/fiddle?

No to that too. My life's already begun, it did begin at conception and I am, have been and will be in my Father's hands through all of it. I'm living my life right now. The life that God's given me and had planned out before I was born, is being lived out right now, as I sit outside among the leaves with the birds chirping in the bush to the left of me. As I contemplate what God's placed me on this earth for, I'm living.

Often I feel as if I'm not there yet. As if I haven't achieved anything. As if my life may not really amount to anything. Like the things I want to accomplish, I may be too afraid to achieve. That I may never live adventurously like I desire to. (Fear...worry...sin...) There's so much more I could explain along these lines; how many more questions without answers I have right now, but honestly, all these thoughts leave out the most important part of the equation. "But God".

"But God, rich in His mercy and love has made me alive!
 By grace I have been saved by the light of amazing grace,
 This dead soul has been raised through faith.
 I was saved by grace"  (one of my favorite gospel centered songs based on Ephesians 2:4-6)

BUT GOD!

Yes, this earth is dying. Yes, we have sinned and fallen short of His glory and are happy to be children of wrath. Yes, we are self centered, unwavering in our thought patterns of lies, deceit and betrayal. Yes, we live for own glory. Yes, we long to know even just what path our lives will take... But God.

I was and am still a sinner, but God redeemed me though I didn't deserve it. His life (the only life lived with a completely sure direction-and that direction being the cross) was lived as a sacrifice, that His glory might be known, that the redemption of His people would be complete. His grace towards me is more abounding than I know.

No, all my questions aren't answered. But sometimes I don't think I ask the right questions.
But those questions that are right; those questions that do need answers...He knows. He knows I have them, He knows I feel them and that they affect who I am. Ultimately though, sometimes the only answer He gives is "Me. Rest in Me. I am."

So today, I strive to be grateful for the life my Redeemer's given me. By His grace and in His strength I will become who He's made me to be. (Philippians 1:6) (Romans 8 --the entire chapter-- I am being made into His image through His good and perfect will.)

So, Jesus, my Redeemer and Counselor, thank you for giving me life and breath. Thank you for your mystery and also for the knowledge that is available to me through your Word, your Son and your Spirit, given to me as a helper. Thank you that this day, I can know that in the unknown, you are known. That in the darkness, you are light to me. The shadow of the unknown is defeated in your arms. It is in those arms that I rest today.
Amen.

Here's a youtube video that really encouraged me this morning. I hope it brings hope and joy to you as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGPiY6I2L-k&feature=channel_video_title