Midnight Shift

As the caregiver on call during the night I probably have the hard task of seeing Rebecca in the most pain. Since R can't move her body and lying in a bed flat all the time can have all sorts of repercussions we try to eliminate some of those issues by placing a body pillow on one side of her body so that she's tilted removing it when she's awake, and then at bed time we place the pillow under her body on the opposite side. One of the first tasks during mid-night turn is to take the pillow out and lay her flat again. Because of this shift in her position the rest of her body has to be physically moved by the caregiver so that it's in correct alignment. This can be a little difficult with the thousands of blankets we pile on top of her so that she's warm (imagine if you couldn't move in the night and pull the covers up closer to your head, or change positions, you'd probably be more apt to have a cold body temperature as well), but with Rebecca's help, if she's slightly awake, she can tell you if something's wrong so that she can be moved correctly. Most of the time it means pulling out a hip so that she's not laying on it, aligning her shoulders, moving the bolster to a different position under her knees, etc.

There was one particular evening that she was in a lot of pain. I wrote this in my journal about the incident:
Last night I was only called by Rebecca once (I keep a buzzer beside my bed at night so she can call if she needs me) and it was right before I was going down to turn her so it worked out fine. I had been sleeping, so I woke with a start and couldn't find my shoes. She kept ringing, so I knew I needed to hurry, but I didn't want to slip down the stairs. She was moaning when I came in, so I knew she was in pain. It really hurts my heart when she's in pain. For someone who's suffered much, to continue suffering in the way she does brings my eyes to tears. I rubbed her leg and ankle for a while. She took 5 Aleve and a big sleeping pill and 3/4 of another. As she was slowly reaching for her pile of sleeping pills next to her alarm clock (we keep a pile of already chopped up pills on a table that we place next to her bed so that if she needs them she can reach down and bring one up to her mouth) she said, 'this is so painful'. She went on to say that it didn't hurt, it's just painstakingly difficult. To work that hard to reach for a pill and then slowly and difficulty bring it up to my mouth is something I've never had to do. It brought that familiar liquid to my eyes as I watched her. I told her as I was about to leave that I'd be praying for her and she said, "Oh! Yes, come, let's pray...are you going to have a hard time falling asleep after this?" Oh! What grace and love the Father has given her to share with others. She then prayed and thanked God for pain and prayed that we would both be able to sleep well through the rest of the night. Aside from me lying awake thinking about it all, we both slept well. She never rang for me again and in the morning she'd forgotten about having any pain. I guess that's one of God's graces towards her.

I remember being afraid that her pain was a result of me positioning her wrong during bed time. I have fears that something I do will result in her pain, but she's assured me that her life (and death) are not in our hands but in the hands of our loving Father. As Rebecca said 'Thank you Lord for pain" in her prayer, my thoughts were, Uh, what? Thank you Lord for pain? My heart was hurting to watch her in this pain and she's thanking God for it? As I rested on my pillow that night I asked the Lord wasn't it enough that she was in so much pain when the accident initially happened? Wasn't pain through recovery enough? Why must she continue to be in pain? My thoughts in my journal the next day read like this: Lord, it hurts to see her in pain. I know it must hurt you too. It must pain you to see your own children suffer, and yet, You know there is more to it than just physical pain. Paul was able to say that all his troubles and afflictions were temporary, fleeting and nothing compared to the coming glory. Nothing. They don't compare. They don't hold a candle to all that will be better. The pains here, prepare us for the coming glory. God's given her so much joy and she's touched so many lives as a result of the pain she's been through and the pain she continues to go through. (Had she not experienced this pain I would not be here.) She's experienced God's love, grace, comfort and strength to a greater extent than I have. Her fellowship in His suffering is more mature than my own. She sits quietly before God's throne in confidence that He takes care of her, giving thanks in everything. This is a thankful heart. Without these pains she would not be the person she is today. And because God allows her this pain, I see it and others see it, and He is glorified and worshiped in our hearts because of it.

I think God does some of His finest work through pain. No, I don't think He enjoys inflicting pain upon His children, He's not malicious, but His concern is that His children are shaped in His image, refined to His glory so that we might better behold Him. His grace and His mercies and His power are seen in a new light amidst and after pain. We can praise the God of sovereignty, power and creation along with Job. Even when circumstances aren't understood, we can understand that the God who is sovereign over all of them has acted in love, for His glory and our good. Think about it...His biggest act of love for His people (equally an act of power and glory) was an act that caused His own Son the most pain imaginable...

Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches. Who is weak, and I am not weak? Who is made to fall, and I am not indignant? If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, he who is blessed forever, knows that I am not lying.           

2 Corinthians 11:24-31

Therefore we do not despair, but even if our physical body is wearing away, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary, light suffering is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison because we are not looking at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen. For what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

My Time is Not My Own

I believe today is our 4th whole day in Belgium. Quite honestly it feels like it's been an eternity....it has been tres difficile. This is the most rigid schedule we've ever been on and we're hardly getting any sleep because of jet-lag. Last night was the first time Sis and I really had a conversation since we've been here. Since we both have different tasks, or are doing them at the same time, we are hardly alone, and when in our room we're so tired that we're trying our best to sleep.

 We are realizing that our time is not our own. We cannot do whatever we want to do, whenever we want to do it. As Katina said, "We have to do only what we have to do". It's a very difficult thing to come to terms with. I must admit, sometimes I"m not happy about it in my heart. I want more sleep, to eat whatever the heck I want (Chick-fil-A y'all) I want to be alone, to be with my sister, I don't always want to get up when I'm called, I want to exercise, I want to go outside and I want to see the city. (Stop complaining, is what the Lord said to me as I was writing this in my journal.)

And yet, the Lord is still with me. He gives grace for every moment. He gives me strength when I am tired and feel like I can't do anything else. He keeps me from fainting, and I mean that quite literally! He's helped me to handle emptying a pee bag, to help change a diaper, to endure the smells, etc. (I've yet to do the actual changing. They're being kind and letting us work up to that.) He's sustained me and given me life and breath, strength enough for each day.

"Why do you say, O Jacob and speak, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God'? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they that wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:27-31

Ok, let's be frank here. We Americans are very protective of our rights. We have expectations that must be met and our lives, boy, are our lives all about ourselves. But the time we're given on this earth was not meant for our pleasure in of ourselves. That pleasure fades. That pleasure dies and brings about our own death. The Creator of time has given me a small chunk of time on this earth. The time He's given me belongs solely to Him. I am to be about His work. As Jesus' time on earth was for a purpose, just as His words were not His own, but the Father's, so it should be in my own life. This truth is hard to surrender to. This truth makes me sacrifice my own wants and "my" time, in order to do as I'm told. I do serve a master either way and only one Master leads to life. 

Right now, this is what I've been asked to do. It is for my good. 

Father, change me. 

When Overwhelmed, Grace Abounds

We're here! In Belgium. Holy cow.
(At this point Mom would say cows aren't holy. Indeed, they are not.)

Yesterday and today we've been getting the low down on the schedule and all the tiny yet numerous details that go into this "job". There's sooooo much to learn. Today when one of the nurses came, I jumped right in to help and felt so overwhelmed (and the tasks aren't that hard...it's just so detailed and completely foreign to us and FAR out of our comfort zones that it is really, really taxing) that I began crying when finished. I was told we were doing a great job, but while doing it, when uncertain of a new thing, I felt so timid, so wrong.

Everything is different here. The food (some of you would love the cheese; it's very french, very rich and smells oh my gosh it smells-I can't stand it), the smells, the toilets and bathrooms, houses, language, people, just blasted everything. Part of that is beginning to appeal to me. I think once the shock is over, I'll really enjoy it here. It truly is beautiful. But for now, often, I miss home, my family, my friends.

Yesterday Jordan took us to the larger grocery store in Waterloo. (Yup, the very place where Napoleon was defeated.) It's called Carre Four. French, everywhere. (I so wish I knew more French.) Nothing is in logical (to us) order. The cheese aisle stinks so badly. ;) BUT one of the beauties of the grocery store is the wonderfully delightful BREAD AISLE! Fresh loaves lined up in bins, baked daily. Oh my goodness. The glory. The aroma. The FRESHNESS!

Shoppers choose their bread, then take it to a slicer, bag it and take it home. 

I have hope that things will get better. Already I feel slightly less overwhelmed. The people are kind and patient and have done this a million other times with other caregivers. God is so gracious and gives strength when we are so so weak. I crave His word and His grace.

Until next time here are a few pictures:

On our first plane ride this was the curtain separating us from first class.
Our feet were in first class the entire trip, however.
Stickin' it to the man.

The Petrie's house

                                                   

The steep stairs where Rebecca fell

I was slightly superstitious about the stairs when we first got here. I had a fear of falling down them myself, but that's all been taken care of as I accomplished that the first day  here...I was wearing socks and slipped on the last four stairs. Don't worry. I'm ok. :)

The views on our street.

Until later, much love and thank you! for your prayers. :) Pray that the Lord helps us to learn quickly and that He would develop sweet love and fellowship between us and Rebecca. I don't think it will be too hard to develop.

This morning at 7 when I helped get her up and ready for breakfast she invited me to watch the birds with her. In the morning she is raised from her bed into her chair. She then has us feed the birds by putting seed on the window sill and the feeder just outside the window so they can eat while she has her Quiet Time with the Father. The Petrie's have a beautiful garden (backyard) where everything is green and the birds dwell in abundance. Rebecca has a few that stay around all day and feed from her window. Rebecca can already tell that I love being outside. She said that every time the garden is spoken of my eyes light up, so she invited me to stay a few minutes to watch the birds feed. Only one was brave enough to come as I stood there. He was a beautiful, small bird with black and white feathers. Rebecca calls him Charlie.

She has such a tender heart. I'm very much looking forward to getting to know her.

La Maison Grise

Change can come faster than you can say "I feel so comfortable here", or "Man, I wish my life would change and I could have a little adventure". Seriously. Four years ago I never thought I'd be living in Albuquerque. One year ago I never thought I'd be living in my deceased Nanny's house. I mean...wow.

So much has changed in a few years and a few months. Friends and friendships change, friends move away, new friends move in, some friends come back, people change---I change. I've spoken with several friends and we all agree. This is a huge time of change in our lives. We're figuring out who we are, who the Lord's made us to be. He reveals paths, we follow them. (Hopefully obediently.) Even in our hardships and our pain and even in our disobedience, the Lord is there. But I'm getting carried away. :)

My sister and I moved into our Nanny's house two and a half months ago. We're calling our house "La Maison Grise", which is French for The Gray House. As I said, this is a time of great change and growth for us. The Lord is revealing so much of our sin, pride, and selfishness. Things that we thought would be great fun (hosting parties for example) have revealed themselves to be much work! And expensive! I've learned that I really don't love people as much as I thought I did. I thought I liked to serve and I do, but the Lord is revealing more of my self-motivated heart. In the times that I do serve out of love, it is only by His grace that there is any good in me at all.

Moving out has caused us to learn many "grown-uppy" things.
...Like cooking!

My Paula Deen Cookware fresh out of the box

And modeled by yours truly

And in use for the first time

And producing yummy food
...

Can you tell I was and still am excited about my pans?!

And now back to seriousness.

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This is why we are naming our house, La Maison Grise. For in the words of my sister Katina, "Gray is black becoming white". (Or white becoming black, but hey is your glass half empty or half full? Hmm?) We are in this period where so many questions are being asked and we have this hope that they will eventually be answered. We are being shaped and molded as clay. (Gray clay to be exact!) Gray is all the colors mixed together. The possibilities are endless. There are symbolic valleys to forge, and in Albuquerque, actual mountains to climb in this period of gray reflection, thoughtfulness and growth. (And who knows...more adventure could be just around the corner.)

;)