How I miss Thee my Quirky Albuquerque

A list of a few things I miss about the strange city we call Albuquerque:

The way the dust rolls over your well traveled highways. *sarcasm*
How your colors paint the sky and your clouds form in shifting shapes.
Chick-fil-A and Lotaburger.
The lavender bushes that dot the landscape like freckles on a ginger kid's face. ;)
Tramway.
Paseo-del-Norte.
Flying Star dates with my girl friends.
Making friends with the Flying Star workers because we're there so often.
The mountains and hiking.
Red or green? To which I reply with slight fear, "Neither, thank you".
Frontier.
That Greek restaurant we discovered on campus just before coming.
The bosque.
Uptown and checking sales at The Loft.
Living in 4 Hills. (Where we won't be returning.)
Parties at our house.
Lack of humidity.
Olo.
My family.

How I miss Thee my Quirky Albuquerque!

------------------------------

I had always felt that the way I was raised and the way I ticked insinuated that I belonged overseas somewhere. Now that I'm here, in some ways I feel that more and more. There are so many things I absolutely love about being here. Public transportation, for one is initially somewhat terrifying, but the system is easy to figure out and when you have it down the whole world is opened up to you. Secondly, fresh, unprocessed, yummy, delicious produce, purchased a couple times a week from the grocery is delightful. I mean fresh baguettes--heck yes. And then there's a whole conglomeration of peoples and people groups in one area the size of a state in the ...States. Architecture! How could I forget architecture and language...

Yet, though my heart is so full here, I feel a tinge of longing. I have a longing for the far away familiar and for those whom I love: my family and the community that I left in Albuquerque. For the silly things that I listed above. Something tells me, though, that when I'm home my heart will miss once again the things that became familiar but will then be far away.

A post that my friend recently wrote touched my heart. My heart feels similarly to what hers has so beautifully communicated. In many ways it feels torn in two; torn between two realities and two ways of life. It's as though my heart has become two dots on opposite sides on the map of the world.

I'm learning more fully that when something is chosen and a path is taken, there *is* sacrifice. There are things that I am going to miss. Since I've been here in Belgium I've missed having Easter with my family, my Dad's birthday, Mother's Day, my brother getting his driver's license, one of my best friends will be moving with her new husband to a different state, I haven't been there with a best friend during a tragedy, and there's major change going on in our college ministry where both Katina and I are on the leadership team. So yeah, while I am here in Europe getting to see things I'd only before dreamed of (and really, let's be honest, Belgium had never before entered my mind as somewhere I would go) I am missing some major life and relational events.

This all may end up being slightly exaggerated. I have found that God has enabled me to be fairly adaptable in whatever climate He places me. But I do feel that wherever I am, there will be a slight longing to be in the other place on the map.

I don't want to go too deeply into it at this time and I apologize slightly that this is turning into yet another spiritual metaphor, but I can't help but ponder our "now and not yet" motto when considering these things.  All these longings, unfulfilled desires, and the imperfections of the life we live are a reminder that we've not yet reached perfection. There's always going to be that feeling that something isn't complete. Because it's not. It's in the process of being completed. Our salvation  in Christ is complete and still in completion. There is an end to our story but still the plot thickens. God's given us guidelines through His Word about what pleases Him and how to live life, but where do I live out that life and what exactly do I pursue?

I told Rebecca that I feel like there have been so many more desires awakened and realized while we've been here, but they've led to even more questions and fewer answers. I'm sorry, I don't know if that flows well or stays directly on topic, it's just where my thoughts happened to go. We're leaving Belgium in 3 weeks and coming home in 5. Right now, in many ways I can't wait to be home, but I anticipate my heart wanting to return once I've come home. You see my conundrum? Rebecca answered with a smile that the Lord often does that. "He's not a reluctant revealer." He does desire for us to know His steps, but even more so, His desire is for us to seek HIS face.

At the core of all these longings and desires: to be in one place while I'm in the other and vise versa, is the need to be satisfied in where God has placed me. His sovereignty intertwines with His goodness and His love toward me. When I am exactly where I need to be, where I've sought His face and am not against His will prescribed for me in His Word, when I'm honoring Him with what He's given me and am seeking His face, I can rest securely in His immutability. (Thank you Tozer.) He never changes! And in Him, all is complete!

"I will bless the Lord at all times;

His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

My soul makes it's boast in the Lord;

let the humble hear and be glad.

Oh, magnify the Lord with me and let us 

exalt His name together!

I sought the Lord, and He answered me

and delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to Him are radiant

and their faces shall never be ashamed.

This poor man cried, and the Lord him

and saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the Lord encamps around 

those who fear Him and delivers them.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!

Blessed is the man who takes 

refuge in Him!

Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints,

for those who fear Him have no lack!

The young lions suffer want and hunger;

but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing."

Psalm 34:1-10

Europe Calls My Name

One of the biggest life lessons I've been learning lately is that I have no control of my life. I really have no clue what the plan is. God lately has been throwing in some huge surprises. One such surprise is this---my sister and I are going to Europe together!

Katina and I are going to Belgium to be caregivers of a lovely woman who is a friend of a wonderful woman in the state where we grew up. Mrs. McKee read this post http://disappointed-hope.blogspot.com/2011/10/birthday-lamentations.html and thought of Katina and I to recommend to her friend as caregivers. Rebecca became a quadriplegic ten years ago after falling down the stairs during a woman's meeting in her home. You can read about her amazing journey and strong faith here, at her blog-- www.rebeccasjourney.com or purchase her book here: http://www.gabriellapress.com/gabriellapress.com/Falling_Into_His_Grace.html.

I personally can't wait to get to know her and see first hand her walk with Jesus. I long to see her example of how she trusts Him and hopes in Him in spite of her circumstances. I can't imagine having to constantly place trust in the people around you to care for you and ultimately in God, who watches over her night and day.

Honestly, this feels like a huge step of faith for both Katina and me. We'll be gone from our home for 3 months. We'll be leaving our home in someone else's hands. We'll be living with a different family for 3 months and serving them for 3 months. It sounds hard. It sounds like coming to the ends of ourselves. It sounds like a place of utmost joy in the midst of hardship. This won't be a European vacation. (Though we may get to travel a little bit. We'll have 1 day a week off and we'll get to travel if we'd like. Brussels is 30 minutes away and Paris is 3 hours away.) I'm not even sure what it will be. I do know that God has called us to this. I do know that He will provide for this trip and I know that He will move in our hearts in ways we may have never seen before.

It's my prayer now that the Father will be revealing more and more my selfishness, and build in my heart a greater desire to place others above myself and to see their wants and needs as above my own. This will help as I serve beautiful Rebecca and this will enable me to grow in my love for others for the rest of my life. It's my prayer that this trip makes me more like Jesus. :)

We'll be leaving March 3rd, the day after one of my best friends' wedding, arriving March 4th, and leaving Belgium June 4th. So we've got roughly 115 days before we leave.

Would you please pray for us?
-Pray that we would have wisdom as we prepare and that God would bring everything together in His timing.

-Pray that He would provide monetarily. We must pay for our airplane tickets there and back. Once we're there, we'll live in their home and our needs will be provided.

-Pray that our relationship would grow stronger (Katina's and mine). That we would make a better team than we are now. That we would learn how to serve one another and communicate well.

-Pray that we would be consistent and disciplined in things we'd like to do better before leaving.

-Pray that we would bless Rebecca. That we'd love her and learn so much from her and also learn to serve her well. Pray that we would be able somehow to encourage her in day to day life. I have a feeling we'll learn so much from her.

My friend Jordan has been over there several times already and is like part of the family to them. She'll be there the three months right before us, so we'll get to see her and she may get to train us! It'll be so good to see her! She's been such a great help. I've been able to talk through a lot of things with her, ask her many questions and gain her perspective on what it's like.

I really am so amazed that this is happening. I've recently been so shocked at the things that God has brought my way. Things that I could never dream up or think, yup, this is definitely what I had planned out for my life. I'm so thankful that I serve a God so much bigger than my daydreams. :)

Welcome to our Home!

As promised via facebook, here are some pictures of our home. 

Let's start with an outside front view.

Featuring New Mexico's fine architecture! 

We have a cute entry way with a lovely view opposite our house. 

Opposite our house is extensive open Air Force land.
Who knows what they do over there...believe me, there are theories.

The view really is more than we could ask for. We've had a few gorgeous evenings where we've sat outside wrapped in blankets watching the sun set and the stars come out in all their glory. One particular enjoyable night with our friend Rose we were all three wrapped up in the same blankies together when a coyote came strolling beyond the fence right in front of us. Of course we named him and called for him to come back and bring his family and friends. Our coyote-like howls did not work to bring him back, though he did stare at us for a while. I think our howls were convincing. Maybe he was just laughing at us...He didn't come back. 

Here's our upper living room. Filled with furniture left over from Nanny,
 and a recliner and TV given to us by loving members of our church.

This is a view from the top room looking the length of the house.

We call this area our Book Nook.
We love to sit here and drink tea or coffee and read or write together. 

Kinda like this :)

Sooo lovely and inviting.

To the left of our Book Nook is a shelf of sorts. It was just extra space that wasn't going to get used. So we came up with a pillow shelf! We bought several pillows and came out with this.

It's awesome for extra sitting space when we have lots of people over.

I hope you're not bored yet. We only have a few pictures left. 

Our dining room with an awesome, hanging too low chandelier!

At the end of the house is a sliding door to an outdoor patio. It's the perfect size for two people and still great for having people over. We had a grill out party and had plenty of room for people at two tables. These pictures don't really show size, but do highlight our pretty fall colors. 

If you were here with me, we'd sit at this table and you'd be in this chair surrounded by lovely fallen leaves sipping your hot tea. I'm sure we'd have lovely conversation. We'd be encouraged and I'm sure we would solve all the world's problems. All on an outdoor patio, sipping tea. 

We'd probably be able to spot a bird or two or 50 in the bushes on the patio. Seriously, they hide very well in there. Usually we only spot them when they fly away in droves or when they decide to sit on top of the wall, like this!

Aren't they cute little fellas?

Random, but have I mentioned I love welcome mats? 

Well, ladies and gentleman, this ends our tour of La Maison Grise. (For explanation of the name of our abode, please see my previous post. here --http://disappointed-hope.blogspot.com/2011/10/la-maison-grise.html) Although the circumstances around us living here are very strange, we are really grateful for this time and the ability to live here!

If you noticed a lack of pictures of the bedrooms and kitchen, it's not because they don't exist. (Though I could easily sleep on the love seat in our book nook.) I think they deserve a post for themselves, plus I think you've probably seen enough pictures for one day. I've got you hooked and you're just waiting for more, right? 

La Maison Grise

Change can come faster than you can say "I feel so comfortable here", or "Man, I wish my life would change and I could have a little adventure". Seriously. Four years ago I never thought I'd be living in Albuquerque. One year ago I never thought I'd be living in my deceased Nanny's house. I mean...wow.

So much has changed in a few years and a few months. Friends and friendships change, friends move away, new friends move in, some friends come back, people change---I change. I've spoken with several friends and we all agree. This is a huge time of change in our lives. We're figuring out who we are, who the Lord's made us to be. He reveals paths, we follow them. (Hopefully obediently.) Even in our hardships and our pain and even in our disobedience, the Lord is there. But I'm getting carried away. :)

My sister and I moved into our Nanny's house two and a half months ago. We're calling our house "La Maison Grise", which is French for The Gray House. As I said, this is a time of great change and growth for us. The Lord is revealing so much of our sin, pride, and selfishness. Things that we thought would be great fun (hosting parties for example) have revealed themselves to be much work! And expensive! I've learned that I really don't love people as much as I thought I did. I thought I liked to serve and I do, but the Lord is revealing more of my self-motivated heart. In the times that I do serve out of love, it is only by His grace that there is any good in me at all.

Moving out has caused us to learn many "grown-uppy" things.
...Like cooking!

My Paula Deen Cookware fresh out of the box

And modeled by yours truly

And in use for the first time

And producing yummy food
...

Can you tell I was and still am excited about my pans?!

And now back to seriousness.

-
---
-

This is why we are naming our house, La Maison Grise. For in the words of my sister Katina, "Gray is black becoming white". (Or white becoming black, but hey is your glass half empty or half full? Hmm?) We are in this period where so many questions are being asked and we have this hope that they will eventually be answered. We are being shaped and molded as clay. (Gray clay to be exact!) Gray is all the colors mixed together. The possibilities are endless. There are symbolic valleys to forge, and in Albuquerque, actual mountains to climb in this period of gray reflection, thoughtfulness and growth. (And who knows...more adventure could be just around the corner.)

;)

Birthday Lamentations

Birthdays are kinda hard for me. I think I'm a bit of an old soul in that sense. I'm only turning 24, right, but what the heck have I done with my life? I think I may ask this question each year I'm on this earth. Gosh, this sounds a bit morbid; I think half my blog posts have been slightly on the sad side, but writing is just one way I work through things...thanks for being willing to take that journey with me.

I've been asking A LOT of questions lately. (Now to pick and choose which ones I'm actually willing to share with you...) Like, when does life begin? And I don't mean at conception or after birth blah blah blah, but when does my life actually begin to go where it's supposed to go? When will it be adventurous, or if I'm really being honest, when will it be what 'I' want it to be? When will I have enough money to be able to travel everywhere around Europe, backpack and go to lovely cafe's, dine in fancy restaurants and play music with renowned or lovely unknown artists? When will I meet that charming, amiable,  handsome and debonair foreign man that will eventually become my husband (who's more in love with Jesus than I am of course and speaks at least two languages and plays music and dresses well and is athletic) --oh man, expectations, dreams, funny-- Or at least that, to my knowledge, non-existent man who will love me selflessly like Christ loves the church...When will HE come along? Is that when my life will begin?

NO!

So, will my life begin when I have pursued a career in music? After I've mastered my voice and piano and eventually violin/fiddle?

No to that too. My life's already begun, it did begin at conception and I am, have been and will be in my Father's hands through all of it. I'm living my life right now. The life that God's given me and had planned out before I was born, is being lived out right now, as I sit outside among the leaves with the birds chirping in the bush to the left of me. As I contemplate what God's placed me on this earth for, I'm living.

Often I feel as if I'm not there yet. As if I haven't achieved anything. As if my life may not really amount to anything. Like the things I want to accomplish, I may be too afraid to achieve. That I may never live adventurously like I desire to. (Fear...worry...sin...) There's so much more I could explain along these lines; how many more questions without answers I have right now, but honestly, all these thoughts leave out the most important part of the equation. "But God".

"But God, rich in His mercy and love has made me alive!
 By grace I have been saved by the light of amazing grace,
 This dead soul has been raised through faith.
 I was saved by grace"  (one of my favorite gospel centered songs based on Ephesians 2:4-6)

BUT GOD!

Yes, this earth is dying. Yes, we have sinned and fallen short of His glory and are happy to be children of wrath. Yes, we are self centered, unwavering in our thought patterns of lies, deceit and betrayal. Yes, we live for own glory. Yes, we long to know even just what path our lives will take... But God.

I was and am still a sinner, but God redeemed me though I didn't deserve it. His life (the only life lived with a completely sure direction-and that direction being the cross) was lived as a sacrifice, that His glory might be known, that the redemption of His people would be complete. His grace towards me is more abounding than I know.

No, all my questions aren't answered. But sometimes I don't think I ask the right questions.
But those questions that are right; those questions that do need answers...He knows. He knows I have them, He knows I feel them and that they affect who I am. Ultimately though, sometimes the only answer He gives is "Me. Rest in Me. I am."

So today, I strive to be grateful for the life my Redeemer's given me. By His grace and in His strength I will become who He's made me to be. (Philippians 1:6) (Romans 8 --the entire chapter-- I am being made into His image through His good and perfect will.)

So, Jesus, my Redeemer and Counselor, thank you for giving me life and breath. Thank you for your mystery and also for the knowledge that is available to me through your Word, your Son and your Spirit, given to me as a helper. Thank you that this day, I can know that in the unknown, you are known. That in the darkness, you are light to me. The shadow of the unknown is defeated in your arms. It is in those arms that I rest today.
Amen.

Here's a youtube video that really encouraged me this morning. I hope it brings hope and joy to you as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGPiY6I2L-k&feature=channel_video_title