My Time is Not My Own

I believe today is our 4th whole day in Belgium. Quite honestly it feels like it's been an eternity....it has been tres difficile. This is the most rigid schedule we've ever been on and we're hardly getting any sleep because of jet-lag. Last night was the first time Sis and I really had a conversation since we've been here. Since we both have different tasks, or are doing them at the same time, we are hardly alone, and when in our room we're so tired that we're trying our best to sleep.

 We are realizing that our time is not our own. We cannot do whatever we want to do, whenever we want to do it. As Katina said, "We have to do only what we have to do". It's a very difficult thing to come to terms with. I must admit, sometimes I"m not happy about it in my heart. I want more sleep, to eat whatever the heck I want (Chick-fil-A y'all) I want to be alone, to be with my sister, I don't always want to get up when I'm called, I want to exercise, I want to go outside and I want to see the city. (Stop complaining, is what the Lord said to me as I was writing this in my journal.)

And yet, the Lord is still with me. He gives grace for every moment. He gives me strength when I am tired and feel like I can't do anything else. He keeps me from fainting, and I mean that quite literally! He's helped me to handle emptying a pee bag, to help change a diaper, to endure the smells, etc. (I've yet to do the actual changing. They're being kind and letting us work up to that.) He's sustained me and given me life and breath, strength enough for each day.

"Why do you say, O Jacob and speak, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God'? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they that wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:27-31

Ok, let's be frank here. We Americans are very protective of our rights. We have expectations that must be met and our lives, boy, are our lives all about ourselves. But the time we're given on this earth was not meant for our pleasure in of ourselves. That pleasure fades. That pleasure dies and brings about our own death. The Creator of time has given me a small chunk of time on this earth. The time He's given me belongs solely to Him. I am to be about His work. As Jesus' time on earth was for a purpose, just as His words were not His own, but the Father's, so it should be in my own life. This truth is hard to surrender to. This truth makes me sacrifice my own wants and "my" time, in order to do as I'm told. I do serve a master either way and only one Master leads to life. 

Right now, this is what I've been asked to do. It is for my good. 

Father, change me. 

A Call to Trust (and a poem)

My pastor's sermon on submission this past week got me thinking about marriage and a "quiet and gentle spirit". What does this look like? What does this look like especially for those of us who may have a stronger or louder personality? (I can be quiet, but I can also be loud, spastic, dorky... When it comes to boys though, I'm the embodiment of Jane Bennet most of the time. The Lord's slowly growing me out of this, however.) Does this mean we must quiet our personalities or just quiet our spirit? How does this manifest itself? He gave me a book to read called, Biblical Womanhood in the Home, edited by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and I'm excited to dive into it today. In the meantime feel free to post your thoughts on this. Men, in what way do you appreciate how your wife lives out a gentle and quiet spirit? Women, how do you live this out? do you struggle with it?

One of the points Ryan made was that submission = trust and un-submission is a form of worry. That definitely pricked my heart. As you've seen from a previous post I am prone to worry. Not only must I eventually trust husband, but right now and forever I must trust my Father. Right now I must submit to my Father (God) and this means I must trust Him. I'm not trusting Him when I worry about my life, the small and big things; all things are the same in size to Him and He's got them all under His control, and He's good. (He cares for the sparrow, how much more He must care for me.)

In light of these thoughts, here's a poem I wrote in December about waiting for my future husband. I hope you enjoy it! (Forgive me, I don't really know how to write out a poem correctly...but here goes)

I know they're pretty irrational, these thoughts I have about you
I get angry at you sometimes when I think about how you
haven't shown your face to me, but others around me abound in you in full

It's not your fault...you're where you're supposed to be
You're not living in a dream...nor am I
Reality calls, we live for now separately
Each in our own world
Learning. Living. Breathing.

You're probably better than I expect you to be
Your character taller, chest a bit broader
Your heart slightly softer, voice a bit louder
I hope I'm all you want me to be too

You'll come around when you're meant to
When the strokes of time fall in the right place
Nay, when hands greater than yours crafted your entrance
...You'll come
You'll come

Until then, grow boldly. Grow gently.
Gird yourself. Meditate on the Word
Grow in grace and knowledge
Root deeply where you're planted
Spread branches wide, let your fruit mature
Seek the Lord more fully, let him be your/my all

In time you'll come
I know
In time
You'll come
By Kayla R. Hembree