La Maison Grise

Change can come faster than you can say "I feel so comfortable here", or "Man, I wish my life would change and I could have a little adventure". Seriously. Four years ago I never thought I'd be living in Albuquerque. One year ago I never thought I'd be living in my deceased Nanny's house. I mean...wow.

So much has changed in a few years and a few months. Friends and friendships change, friends move away, new friends move in, some friends come back, people change---I change. I've spoken with several friends and we all agree. This is a huge time of change in our lives. We're figuring out who we are, who the Lord's made us to be. He reveals paths, we follow them. (Hopefully obediently.) Even in our hardships and our pain and even in our disobedience, the Lord is there. But I'm getting carried away. :)

My sister and I moved into our Nanny's house two and a half months ago. We're calling our house "La Maison Grise", which is French for The Gray House. As I said, this is a time of great change and growth for us. The Lord is revealing so much of our sin, pride, and selfishness. Things that we thought would be great fun (hosting parties for example) have revealed themselves to be much work! And expensive! I've learned that I really don't love people as much as I thought I did. I thought I liked to serve and I do, but the Lord is revealing more of my self-motivated heart. In the times that I do serve out of love, it is only by His grace that there is any good in me at all.

Moving out has caused us to learn many "grown-uppy" things.
...Like cooking!

My Paula Deen Cookware fresh out of the box

And modeled by yours truly

And in use for the first time

And producing yummy food
...

Can you tell I was and still am excited about my pans?!

And now back to seriousness.

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This is why we are naming our house, La Maison Grise. For in the words of my sister Katina, "Gray is black becoming white". (Or white becoming black, but hey is your glass half empty or half full? Hmm?) We are in this period where so many questions are being asked and we have this hope that they will eventually be answered. We are being shaped and molded as clay. (Gray clay to be exact!) Gray is all the colors mixed together. The possibilities are endless. There are symbolic valleys to forge, and in Albuquerque, actual mountains to climb in this period of gray reflection, thoughtfulness and growth. (And who knows...more adventure could be just around the corner.)

;)

Birthday Lamentations

Birthdays are kinda hard for me. I think I'm a bit of an old soul in that sense. I'm only turning 24, right, but what the heck have I done with my life? I think I may ask this question each year I'm on this earth. Gosh, this sounds a bit morbid; I think half my blog posts have been slightly on the sad side, but writing is just one way I work through things...thanks for being willing to take that journey with me.

I've been asking A LOT of questions lately. (Now to pick and choose which ones I'm actually willing to share with you...) Like, when does life begin? And I don't mean at conception or after birth blah blah blah, but when does my life actually begin to go where it's supposed to go? When will it be adventurous, or if I'm really being honest, when will it be what 'I' want it to be? When will I have enough money to be able to travel everywhere around Europe, backpack and go to lovely cafe's, dine in fancy restaurants and play music with renowned or lovely unknown artists? When will I meet that charming, amiable,  handsome and debonair foreign man that will eventually become my husband (who's more in love with Jesus than I am of course and speaks at least two languages and plays music and dresses well and is athletic) --oh man, expectations, dreams, funny-- Or at least that, to my knowledge, non-existent man who will love me selflessly like Christ loves the church...When will HE come along? Is that when my life will begin?

NO!

So, will my life begin when I have pursued a career in music? After I've mastered my voice and piano and eventually violin/fiddle?

No to that too. My life's already begun, it did begin at conception and I am, have been and will be in my Father's hands through all of it. I'm living my life right now. The life that God's given me and had planned out before I was born, is being lived out right now, as I sit outside among the leaves with the birds chirping in the bush to the left of me. As I contemplate what God's placed me on this earth for, I'm living.

Often I feel as if I'm not there yet. As if I haven't achieved anything. As if my life may not really amount to anything. Like the things I want to accomplish, I may be too afraid to achieve. That I may never live adventurously like I desire to. (Fear...worry...sin...) There's so much more I could explain along these lines; how many more questions without answers I have right now, but honestly, all these thoughts leave out the most important part of the equation. "But God".

"But God, rich in His mercy and love has made me alive!
 By grace I have been saved by the light of amazing grace,
 This dead soul has been raised through faith.
 I was saved by grace"  (one of my favorite gospel centered songs based on Ephesians 2:4-6)

BUT GOD!

Yes, this earth is dying. Yes, we have sinned and fallen short of His glory and are happy to be children of wrath. Yes, we are self centered, unwavering in our thought patterns of lies, deceit and betrayal. Yes, we live for own glory. Yes, we long to know even just what path our lives will take... But God.

I was and am still a sinner, but God redeemed me though I didn't deserve it. His life (the only life lived with a completely sure direction-and that direction being the cross) was lived as a sacrifice, that His glory might be known, that the redemption of His people would be complete. His grace towards me is more abounding than I know.

No, all my questions aren't answered. But sometimes I don't think I ask the right questions.
But those questions that are right; those questions that do need answers...He knows. He knows I have them, He knows I feel them and that they affect who I am. Ultimately though, sometimes the only answer He gives is "Me. Rest in Me. I am."

So today, I strive to be grateful for the life my Redeemer's given me. By His grace and in His strength I will become who He's made me to be. (Philippians 1:6) (Romans 8 --the entire chapter-- I am being made into His image through His good and perfect will.)

So, Jesus, my Redeemer and Counselor, thank you for giving me life and breath. Thank you for your mystery and also for the knowledge that is available to me through your Word, your Son and your Spirit, given to me as a helper. Thank you that this day, I can know that in the unknown, you are known. That in the darkness, you are light to me. The shadow of the unknown is defeated in your arms. It is in those arms that I rest today.
Amen.

Here's a youtube video that really encouraged me this morning. I hope it brings hope and joy to you as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGPiY6I2L-k&feature=channel_video_title

The Beginning

Disappointed Hope....what does that mean?

When searching through my mind trying to choose a title that would encompass both what this blog is to be about and what I am about, I thought of one of the lessons that seems to be a recurring theme throughout my life: hope not placed in the right object will always disappoint. 

I've placed hope in my abilities: I can sing, play piano, read well, learn languages fairly quickly, and at least appear somewhat smart. But these things will one day pass away. My voice will get old and warbly, my hands may lose their shape, my eyes lose their sight and my brain lose it's cognitive abilities.

I've hoped in the future: the hope of love given and received and the start of my own family; the hope of a stronger voice and a career on stage, of success and approval; the hope of the ability to travel worldwide just for fun. But, what if these things never happen? What if I don't get married? What if my voice isn't strong enough? What if I live the rest of my days in ____, New Mexico without traveling anywhere else - unlikely, but what if? Furthermore, I don't even know what my future holds, how could I therefore place my hope in it?

I've hoped in boys, jobs, hobbies, abilities, people, my future, even religion (in the sense that what I do will gain or lose God's approval)... but all have failed and will continue to fail. 

The only hope that's ever seen fruit has been the hope that the Father has grown in me through Christ's finished work on the cross and through His Word. He Himself never changes. My earnest hope ought not to be in a husband, a job, acceptance, or acclaim but in what the finished work of Christ has accomplished for me. I've been bought with a precious price. I've been chosen before time to be a vessel of honor for my Creator. I will be with Him after death and in Him I will have life. My life has a mission to spread the glory of my Savior. His name will be known and His renown will be great. In this will I hope. All other hopes will be disappointed. 

So please allow this blog title spur you on to true hope...hope in Christ... hope that won't disappoint.